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March 11, 2012
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The Shattered Crown Chapter 1 by Gremillion The Shattered Crown Chapter 1 by Gremillion

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The first chapter "The Shattered Crown".

Rean Larkin and his sister Noel Journey to Oakwynn in search of a new beginning for their father's black smithing business



Next Chapter :
Chapter 2 :[link]

Artwork by : :icontsuzukikun:
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:iconcandrarose:
CandraRose Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
I like this, although I thought that the story line was a bit stilted and cliche in the fact of him being a blacksmith and wanting to be a knight/hero.
Asides from that, I really love the way you write and the description used :love:
Mr. Dower is a colourful character and I really felt for him looking up at the building- for some reason I thought that he seemed very attatched to it.
Rean is an alright character, although I don't really get much about him personality wise- just aspiration wise :)
But I am really looking forward to reading more :D
Great work~ :heart:
Reply
:iconnephenee:
Nephenee Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
Ehhh...it could use some work. Honestly, I got the same feel from this as I got from Eragon-->basically too much crammed into too short a space. Also, the subject matter is very...um...overused in the fantasy genre.

Over and over I get the feeling that you are telling, not showing. I want to see more step by tiny step as the character moves, how the clothes feel on their skin, the sweat running down their foreheads. More time should also be used on describing the setting as well--> How does the light look? What do things smell like? Background noises? How does the ground feel under their feet?

Try taking one tiny interaction and really, really focus in on setting and body language. Don't try and cram several scenes into 9 pages, its too much and you won't do any little part of it justice.
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
crit noted... working on things.
Reply
:iconfirewario:
FireWario Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Such an amazing story development! Your characters, plot, and intrigue levels in this book is fascinating! So much for the reader to get into and grasp! Fine quality work!
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
thank you very much!
Reply
:iconskysongma:
SkysongMA Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Student Writer
(That is a bitching cover.)

I really like Rean! He's so earnest, and his emotions feel really realistic. Actually, I think I like all of the characters. They all feel very real.

I feel like the inset scene should come at the beginning of the story. Not because there's anything wrong with it where it is--just because there's no real formal break between the flashback and the present, and it takes us a long time to get back to the present. That can get confusing. Also, that would more clearly separate Rean's feelings then from Rean's feelings now.

'However, Rean felt that there was something missing from the everyday ins and outs of the smithy life. He would often dream of being a great warrior, he longed for glory and respect, he wanted the bards to sing of his adventures and triumphs over evil doers and invading armies.' I feel like this isn't really necessary considering what comes after--the inset scene tells me everything I need to know about Rean's dreams.

'Looking at the boy of only thirteen Darius could see fire and passion in his eyes, something deep
inside of him was begging to be let out.' =/ I would prefer to be in Rean's head for this entire scene, since it's so important to him. Also, this feels a bit... forced. I don't need to be told that Rean has fire and passion in him, considering how hard he just worked on Darius's armor.

I like the beginning of this. It's a bit more thoughtful than I've come to expect from medieval fantasy. :)
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
Scary isnt it!

Thank you so much for the honest crit / analysis. I've been fumbling around a bit about the flash back, for now i want to keep it where it is but its likely to move. Hopefully it wont mess up the story flow. I dont want to have re edit all the chapters :P..

*needs an editor*

I've been trying to get around to your story as well.

Btw just published chapt 3. About to send to the group .
Reply
:iconskysongma:
SkysongMA Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Student Writer
I don't think it will if you just set it off by itself at the beginning. Ending with Darius's death is nice and dramatic.
Reply
:iconlilithay:
Lilithay Featured By Owner May 13, 2012
Nice work. :) My only suggestions are to be a bit more careful with your grammar and word choices. Also, for me, it felt like there were some inaccuracies in the knights compared to historical reference; given creative freedom, however, this is a tiny issue and is really more of a reader's opinion and not so much a real flaw.

All in all, great work. :)
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner May 13, 2012
its an alternate world.. if you want to know what knights are ill tell you this, rapists, murders, pirates.. ect.
Reply
:iconlilithay:
Lilithay Featured By Owner May 14, 2012
I know all about what knights are, had to do a big project on them back in high school (Crusades much?). Frankly I like yours better, they actually seem like knights instead of like a big gang. Like I said, that wasn't really a problem, just something I noticed. :P
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner May 14, 2012
No problem. Just wanted to make that clear. Make sure you read chapter 2 if you enjoyed it!
Reply
:iconlilithay:
Lilithay Featured By Owner May 14, 2012
You bet. :)
Reply
:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner May 12, 2012  Student Writer
Very cool. Good job :)
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner May 12, 2012
Thank you! Chapter two is also available
Reply
:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner May 15, 2012  Student Writer
:)
Reply
:iconnaomiarey:
NaomiARey Featured By Owner May 4, 2012  Student Writer
Something I actually read AND enjoyed on deviant!!! Og ame!
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner May 4, 2012
Thanks! Chapter two was just posted today! go for it :)[link]
Reply
:iconnaomiarey:
NaomiARey Featured By Owner May 4, 2012  Student Writer
i read it first, enjoyed the dream sequence. good idea.
Reply
:iconangelinabenedetti:
AngelinaBenedetti Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I love your writing style a lot! You know, I read some books and I totally hated the style!! But I think, youre a great author :clap:
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner May 10, 2012
Chapter 2 is up! [link]
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2012
I'm so happy you enjoyed it. I will be releasing the second chapter tonight. Watch me for more of Rean :D
Reply
:iconpandoraalkimaartz:
PandoraAlkimaArtz Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
very nice reading material. i like it alot.
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner May 10, 2012
woot thanks, chapter 2 is up [link]
Reply
:iconaurodi:
aurodi Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2012   General Artist
This was some very good good morning reading.
I love it how nicely you portrayed the meaning of honor and brotherhood among family and shield-brothers/sisters, especially during the first fight for the city.
Your descriptions of events are so vivid I could imagine an illustration for almost every thing even the small ones like repairing the workshop or riding the horse to the inn.

Is it just me or are there some references to Skyrim?
“Sometimes I think your tongue can be sharper than your blades, Noel.”
Battle-Born in Whiterun says "Let your blade be sharp and your tongue sharper!"

Fell into the story and I think you should keep up the good work!
I gave it a :+fav: :D
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner May 10, 2012
Chapter 2 is up! checker out [link]
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2012
That may have been a subconscious incident. Lol. But maybe I will have some one take an arrow to the knee and become a city guard 8)
Reply
:icondnin08:
Dnin08 Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Nice work :D
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2012
Thanks !
Reply
:iconannsquare:
annsquare Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Love the cover artwork! It suits the writing nicely :)
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner May 10, 2012
chapter 2
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012
Thanks, if you enjoyed reading it, please make sure you watch me so you can catch the coming chapters.. I will be releasing the second one on friday night.
Reply
:icondrmarin:
drMarin Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
rela rpg:D
Reply
:iconhimehisagi:
himehisagi Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
It is a interesting story! :D
But, I think, for the first chapter, you should add more description for the background places, the appearance of the character, etc. I find it a bit confusing at first and I have to read it more than two or three to understand it. But, keep working on! I want to read it more! :)
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner May 10, 2012
Chapter two is up! and thanks![link]
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012
Thanks for that! Criticism accepted! Watch me so you can see the next chapter dropping in Friday night!
Reply
:iconhimehisagi:
himehisagi Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
I watch you!
Next time, I will read and comment to the next chapter. :D
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2012
thanks
Reply
:iconleanai:
Leanai Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I find it lovely, can't really find anything in here but some spelling mistakes..
How did you create such lay-out? the scroll bar ;)
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012
Upload as a pdf
Reply
:iconleanai:
Leanai Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
ok thanks :)
Reply
:iconlilithay:
Lilithay Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2012
Very nice, catches the interest of the reader and paints a pretty reasonable picture of the situation. One thing I would suggest is perhaps getting a bit more descriptive to help give the reader a better mental picture of the surroundings and the characters, but aside from that excellent, keep up the good work. :)
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2012
Added you, if your interested in reading more ill be posting up the second chapter this friday.
Reply
:iconlilithay:
Lilithay Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2012
Oh wow, thanks very much! :o I'll definitely give it a look. :)
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner May 10, 2012
Its up! [link]
Reply
:iconchildishekko:
ChildishEkko Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
A lot of reading to do there, but good stuff. My advice is perhaps to watch the pace at which you are moving. There is a lot of stuff that is happening in these nine pages, and a lot of room to slow it down a bit. I am sure you are eager to get cracking at your work, but make sure that you don't leave your readers bouncing from one event to the next. You are off to a great start with what you have here! Keep up the good work!
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2012
Thanks :)
Reply
:iconrailguntogepi:
RailgunTogepi Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
"I seek wisdom not in forging steel but using it" -Rean XD OH MAN IS THAT A BOSS QUOTE!
Reply
:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner May 10, 2012
Chapter two is up [link]
Reply
:iconrailguntogepi:
RailgunTogepi Featured By Owner May 10, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Sweet! :D
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