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The Shattered Crown Chapter 1 by Gremillion The Shattered Crown Chapter 1 by Gremillion

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The first chapter "The Shattered Crown".

Rean Larkin and his sister Noel Journey to Oakwynn in search of a new beginning for their father's black smithing business



Next Chapter :
Chapter 2 :[link]

Artwork by : :icontsuzukikun:
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:iconcandrarose:
CandraRose Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
I like this, although I thought that the story line was a bit stilted and cliche in the fact of him being a blacksmith and wanting to be a knight/hero.
Asides from that, I really love the way you write and the description used :love:
Mr. Dower is a colourful character and I really felt for him looking up at the building- for some reason I thought that he seemed very attatched to it.
Rean is an alright character, although I don't really get much about him personality wise- just aspiration wise :)
But I am really looking forward to reading more :D
Great work~ :heart:
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:iconnephenee:
Nephenee Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
Ehhh...it could use some work. Honestly, I got the same feel from this as I got from Eragon-->basically too much crammed into too short a space. Also, the subject matter is very...um...overused in the fantasy genre.

Over and over I get the feeling that you are telling, not showing. I want to see more step by tiny step as the character moves, how the clothes feel on their skin, the sweat running down their foreheads. More time should also be used on describing the setting as well--> How does the light look? What do things smell like? Background noises? How does the ground feel under their feet?

Try taking one tiny interaction and really, really focus in on setting and body language. Don't try and cram several scenes into 9 pages, its too much and you won't do any little part of it justice.
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:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
crit noted... working on things.
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:iconfirewario:
FireWario Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Such an amazing story development! Your characters, plot, and intrigue levels in this book is fascinating! So much for the reader to get into and grasp! Fine quality work!
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:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
thank you very much!
Reply
:iconskysongma:
SkysongMA Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Student Writer
(That is a bitching cover.)

I really like Rean! He's so earnest, and his emotions feel really realistic. Actually, I think I like all of the characters. They all feel very real.

I feel like the inset scene should come at the beginning of the story. Not because there's anything wrong with it where it is--just because there's no real formal break between the flashback and the present, and it takes us a long time to get back to the present. That can get confusing. Also, that would more clearly separate Rean's feelings then from Rean's feelings now.

'However, Rean felt that there was something missing from the everyday ins and outs of the smithy life. He would often dream of being a great warrior, he longed for glory and respect, he wanted the bards to sing of his adventures and triumphs over evil doers and invading armies.' I feel like this isn't really necessary considering what comes after--the inset scene tells me everything I need to know about Rean's dreams.

'Looking at the boy of only thirteen Darius could see fire and passion in his eyes, something deep
inside of him was begging to be let out.' =/ I would prefer to be in Rean's head for this entire scene, since it's so important to him. Also, this feels a bit... forced. I don't need to be told that Rean has fire and passion in him, considering how hard he just worked on Darius's armor.

I like the beginning of this. It's a bit more thoughtful than I've come to expect from medieval fantasy. :)
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:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
Scary isnt it!

Thank you so much for the honest crit / analysis. I've been fumbling around a bit about the flash back, for now i want to keep it where it is but its likely to move. Hopefully it wont mess up the story flow. I dont want to have re edit all the chapters :P..

*needs an editor*

I've been trying to get around to your story as well.

Btw just published chapt 3. About to send to the group .
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:iconskysongma:
SkysongMA Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Student Writer
I don't think it will if you just set it off by itself at the beginning. Ending with Darius's death is nice and dramatic.
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:iconlilithay:
Lilithay Featured By Owner May 13, 2012
Nice work. :) My only suggestions are to be a bit more careful with your grammar and word choices. Also, for me, it felt like there were some inaccuracies in the knights compared to historical reference; given creative freedom, however, this is a tiny issue and is really more of a reader's opinion and not so much a real flaw.

All in all, great work. :)
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:icongremillion:
Gremillion Featured By Owner May 13, 2012
its an alternate world.. if you want to know what knights are ill tell you this, rapists, murders, pirates.. ect.
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