I like this, although I thought that the story line was a bit stilted and cliche in the fact of him being a blacksmith and wanting to be a knight/hero. Asides from that, I really love the way you write and the description used Mr. Dower is a colourful character and I really felt for him looking up at the building- for some reason I thought that he seemed very attatched to it. Rean is an alright character, although I don't really get much about him personality wise- just aspiration wise But I am really looking forward to reading more Great work~
Ehhh...it could use some work. Honestly, I got the same feel from this as I got from Eragon-->basically too much crammed into too short a space. Also, the subject matter is very...um...overused in the fantasy genre.
Over and over I get the feeling that you are telling, not showing. I want to see more step by tiny step as the character moves, how the clothes feel on their skin, the sweat running down their foreheads. More time should also be used on describing the setting as well--> How does the light look? What do things smell like? Background noises? How does the ground feel under their feet?
Try taking one tiny interaction and really, really focus in on setting and body language. Don't try and cram several scenes into 9 pages, its too much and you won't do any little part of it justice.
I really like Rean! He's so earnest, and his emotions feel really realistic. Actually, I think I like all of the characters. They all feel very real.
I feel like the inset scene should come at the beginning of the story. Not because there's anything wrong with it where it is--just because there's no real formal break between the flashback and the present, and it takes us a long time to get back to the present. That can get confusing. Also, that would more clearly separate Rean's feelings then from Rean's feelings now.
'However, Rean felt that there was something missing from the everyday ins and outs of the smithy life. He would often dream of being a great warrior, he longed for glory and respect, he wanted the bards to sing of his adventures and triumphs over evil doers and invading armies.' I feel like this isn't really necessary considering what comes after--the inset scene tells me everything I need to know about Rean's dreams.
'Looking at the boy of only thirteen Darius could see fire and passion in his eyes, something deep inside of him was begging to be let out.' =/ I would prefer to be in Rean's head for this entire scene, since it's so important to him. Also, this feels a bit... forced. I don't need to be told that Rean has fire and passion in him, considering how hard he just worked on Darius's armor.
I like the beginning of this. It's a bit more thoughtful than I've come to expect from medieval fantasy.
Thank you so much for the honest crit / analysis. I've been fumbling around a bit about the flash back, for now i want to keep it where it is but its likely to move. Hopefully it wont mess up the story flow. I dont want to have re edit all the chapters ..
*needs an editor*
I've been trying to get around to your story as well.
Btw just published chapt 3. About to send to the group .
Nice work. My only suggestions are to be a bit more careful with your grammar and word choices. Also, for me, it felt like there were some inaccuracies in the knights compared to historical reference; given creative freedom, however, this is a tiny issue and is really more of a reader's opinion and not so much a real flaw.
I know all about what knights are, had to do a big project on them back in high school (Crusades much?). Frankly I like yours better, they actually seem like knights instead of like a big gang. Like I said, that wasn't really a problem, just something I noticed.
This was some very good good morning reading. I love it how nicely you portrayed the meaning of honor and brotherhood among family and shield-brothers/sisters, especially during the first fight for the city. Your descriptions of events are so vivid I could imagine an illustration for almost every thing even the small ones like repairing the workshop or riding the horse to the inn.
Is it just me or are there some references to Skyrim? “Sometimes I think your tongue can be sharper than your blades, Noel.” Battle-Born in Whiterun says "Let your blade be sharp and your tongue sharper!"
Fell into the story and I think you should keep up the good work! I gave it a
It is a interesting story! But, I think, for the first chapter, you should add more description for the background places, the appearance of the character, etc. I find it a bit confusing at first and I have to read it more than two or three to understand it. But, keep working on! I want to read it more!
Very nice, catches the interest of the reader and paints a pretty reasonable picture of the situation. One thing I would suggest is perhaps getting a bit more descriptive to help give the reader a better mental picture of the surroundings and the characters, but aside from that excellent, keep up the good work.
A lot of reading to do there, but good stuff. My advice is perhaps to watch the pace at which you are moving. There is a lot of stuff that is happening in these nine pages, and a lot of room to slow it down a bit. I am sure you are eager to get cracking at your work, but make sure that you don't leave your readers bouncing from one event to the next. You are off to a great start with what you have here! Keep up the good work!